Author: Francesca, LSW
One of the most common reasons people want to speak with a veterinary social worker is this feeling of guilt. An emotional state of conflict can exist because they feel they aren’t sure if they made the right choice in end-of-life care, quality-of-life assessment, or decision making around a certain set of circumstances. Their brains tell them they should have done more or could have done more, but when asked to explore what exactly more represents, most cannot find the words. Some say they just should have known this illness was silently growing, or they would have skipped whatever event preceded an accident that resulted in death (not gone to the park that day, not used the gate in the fence, locked the front door).
Guilt looms heavy during recent loss and death. We often create a higher standard that we seem to hold ourselves to that we don’t force onto others- it’s sometimes easier to beat ourselves up than to face the death of our loved one. You know what? Your beloved companion animal loved you despite your imperfectness. They saw your flaws on a regular basis and loved all of you. They would never hold onto something like anger or assign blame the way humans can. Try loving yourself the way that they did.
In veterinary medicine there are several unique factors that speak to feelings of guilt.
- Euthanasia. Translated from the original Greek it breaks down into ‘good’ and ‘death’. Veterinarians understand that euthanasia can be the final gift we give to our companion animals who are suffering. It is the option that relieves a body of pain and suffering, while helping the animal maintain dignity as they transition out of this world. However, it is one of the hardest decisions we will be asked to make in our lifetimes. It doesn’t matter how many times before you have encountered this particular question. There can be complicating factors unique to each loss: self-doubt, mistrust of other caregivers or the medical team, intra-family disagreement, existential guilt, etc. It is also a procedure that is not common place in human medical circles. While there are some countries and states that have allowed ‘death with dignity’ laws, for the majority of humans this is not a decision many have had to make. With the depth of the human-animal bond being strong for many of us, it is to be expected that some of us struggle at being ok with considering euthanasia as an option for our companion animals.
- Different Communication Languages. There is no English (or your preferred language of choice) to animal translation tool. Many of us would love the opportunity to have our companion animals tell us what they wanted when it comes to helping them relieve their pain and suffering. That would be easy, we helped them meet their goals, no shame and therefore no (or less) guilt there. To this I offer the reminder that you know your companion animal better than anyone else on planet Earth. You did not enter the discussion of euthanasia and end-of-life care easily and I hope you are able to trust yourself as much as your companion does. That trust is not misplaced- you have a mutually beneficial bond.
- Disenfranchised Grief. Have you heard of the term ‘Disenfranchised Grief’? It refers to grief that isn’t widely acknowledged by mainstream society. The death of a companion animal is a classic example. We bring it up now to normalize that the guilt we can experience related to pet death tends to sit with us longer or feels heavier. We don’t always know who is safe to process with, who is judging us already without hearing the extra personal pieces such as self-doubt, blame, guilt. This perceived lack of support in grieving a pet tends to be more readily available (but not always) with the death of a close human family member.
- Finances. On a regular basis I have conversations with wonderful, kind-hearted human-beings that love their companion animals and who absolutely must include the financial component while assessing quality of life. In fact, I believe the majority of guardians have to consider the financial piece. It may be the cost of a procedure or medication, or perhaps the cost in missing time off at work to help in the recovery period after an accident or surgery. When it feels like finances are a factor that limit options to provide help to our loved ones, we can feel stuck, like we are in an unfair position, and this leads to guilt. This does not make someone a bad or evil person. This shows you considered the decision from a holistic perspective- both logic and emotion were your guides. The decision to euthanize is rarely based on one factor alone. Typically, there are many pieces that add up to the outcome- your gut instinct, the advice of the veterinary medical team, medical test results, finances, quality of life, life circumstances, and personality/preferences of the pet.
It doesn’t have to be one or another. We invite you to experience your feelings of guilt while also feeling other emotions related to your connection with the companion animals in your pack/herd.
If you are looking for support and encouragement through your grief journey, you may be a good fit for our study! You can find more information here.
Resource Recommendations
- Dr. Tamara Miller, PsyD: Recording from Sept. 29, 2021
A Therapists Guide to Treating Grief After the Loss of a Pet: A Three-Tiered Model
2. Mourning Paws study