Author: Kristina Kiefer, DVM
Children are much more perceptive and aware of death than many people realize. Gone are the days where “Fluffy is going to live at the farm” is the best option at your disposal to manage the loss of a pet. There are books and resources available that provide information about pet loss specifically written or designed for children. But what can YOU do to help your child while navigating your own grief? Here are five thoughts for you to help you support your children.
1. Open and honest communication- as a pattern. When you know the end is coming, it is OK to begin talking about loss and end of life and the reasons behind it with your child. If they are mature enough, it’s OK to bring them to veterinary appointments, and even give them an opportunity to ask questions about the disease or euthanasia. Speak with them honestly after you have the information you need to answer their questions. Children may actually be very thoughtful and perceptive at helping you identify quality of life indicators that you, as a family, can use to know when it is time. It is not necessary to hide your pain from them- but be alert to how well you are managing your grief and pain- unhealthy patterns you engage with are easily absorbed by them. If you feel you are not managing well, seek professional counseling, and discuss the best strategies for communicating with your children as a component of your counseling. The strategy for communicating the information may need to be adapted based on age- younger children will understand physical based information easier (“the chest has stopped moving with breath, and that is needed for life”), where older children may have context and life experience to reference and understand more abstract ideas behind death (“we did all the testing the vet recommended, but couldn’t find the reason Jack was suffering, so felt it was kindest for him to stop the suffering, so he didn’t need to go through the pain that Grandma did when she died of cancer.” ). Know that age as a number doesn’t always correlate to mental or developmental age- so one child may need very different info at 10 years old than another of your child.
2. Give your children the option to participate in any rituals your family wishes to create for your pet. Don’t force it, but let them choose if they want to participate. Also, give them the option to create their own ritual if yours doesn’t feel right to them. Funerals, spreading ashes, alters, memorial gardens, life celebrations- it’s OK to create new rituals or maintain traditions. The importance of a certain ritual can vary so much from individual to individual, or even by relationship. So try not to feel hurt or offended if something that feels right for you doesn’t for them.
3. Give them space to express their feelings and experiences. Your relationship with your pet is very unique to you, as is theirs. Don’t make the mistake of assuming they are feeling what you are feeling. Know that some children have an incredibly deep bond with childhood pets, while others don’t. Your pet may feel like your first child, while a young child may simply have taken their presence for granted. How they feel about the pet and loss is their own experience to feel- and not a reflection on the value and importance you may feel. If you are concerned that their feelings may be too painful or triggering for you to hear, it is OK to have another trusted adult offer to talk to them- or give them opportunities to write or draw what they are feeling, rather than sharing it with you. Giving them space and opportunities to express their grief is particularly important if the child’s relationship with the pet was much deeper than yours. Love comes into our lives in different shapes and sizes, and the loss of a guinea pig, or hamster or lizard or fish can be just as painful and devastating for some people as the loss of a dog, cat or horse. Validating that their experience is important for them is the priority here.
4. Nurture the other loving relationships in their lives. A child that considers the pet their best friend or greatest confidant may suddenly feel quite lonely or abandoned. Don’t expect to replace that relationship, but do your best to assure them that the adults and family members in their life love them and will care for them in the midst of loss. You obviously love them very much, to be seeking how to best support them. Your presence and acceptance of their grief in the midst of it can be the greatest gift for some people.
5. Model constructive grief for your child. Grieving is a feeling. Mourning is an action. Managing feelings and taking action on grief is a skill that comes with a life lived and loved, and your child will use their loved ones as a reference for “normal” and acceptable strategies for grieving. It can be helpful for them to hear you talking about what helps, what hurts, how grief feels different for different members of the family and social circle and that the love never goes, but the pain is not forever.
6. Counseling is an option for children too! It may seem socially taboo- to seek counseling for a child about the loss of a pet- but the relationship we develop with some animals can be the safest and least complicated feeling relationship we may ever know. If your child feels guilt over the loss, witnessed a traumatic death of the pet, struggles with depression or anxiety, or relied on that pet for physical, emotional or mental assistance, treating their grief with deep respect and proactive and professional care can be so valuable for them.
Thank you for reading- and thank you for loving your pet and your child so much you are thinking of how to honor both of them. Know that these tasks do not have to fall on you alone if you need to grapple through your own grief. There is no shame in relying on your circle of support or professional grief support rather than bear the burden alone. And there’s no shame in learning to grieve together, if you have the capacity to do so. If you want help in actively facing your grief, our journaling course is a supportive, thought-provoking step towards walking through your grief, and can help you with finding words and ways to communicate your grief. If you’d like ideas for resources, please reach out to us at mourningpawsproject@gmail.com to get our free resource guide.