Author: Dr. Kiefer
Your grief is not abnormal. Yet, we often feel that it is. At least until we start hearing from other people that are grieving. Note that I did not say your grief is normal. To say something is normal subconsciously implies that there are “wrong” ways that people experience grief. Each relationship we experience is so unique that each experience of grief will also be. To think that there is a weird, or a “wrong” way to experience grief is unhelpful. That being said, there are several commonalities that I frequently see that occur, but that people do not realize others experience as well. Knowing that they are not isolated in this experience can be helpful for some. Below are some of the more common things that people struggle with viewing as abnormal. This is certainly not an exclusive list. I invite you to share your not abnormal moments below.
1. It is not abnormal to grieve your pet as deeply or more deeply than some human relationships.
Aside from a spouse, or underage children, we rarely spend more time with another being than with our pets. We often even welcome them into our “solitary” time, without reservation. After spending day after day for years with your pet, our bonds are cemented pretty solidly. Add to this the fact that a relationship with a pet can be one of the most trusting, uncomplicated and unconditional relationships we experience, the value of this presence is inestimable.
2. It is not abnormal to experience guilt associated with the loss of a pet.
As connected to a pet as we feel, we are making certain assumptions at their wishes and experiences. Animals often do not communicate those subtle and inscrutable early signs of illness, as a means of self-preservation. Often, we recognize those subtle signs only after they have reached crisis point. Yet, we are faced with the challenge of making an end of life decision for them without explicit communication abilities. Even when we are certain we have made the right choice, time and distance from the circumstances can lead us to second guess ourselves.
In the first world, we are also frequently faced with finances playing a role in the decision making processes. Whether finances were too limited to allow pursuing all options, or we made the choice we felt was best for our pet, but that meant not doing all the things money could buy, money often factors in heavily with feelings of guilt.
3. It is not abnormal to feel like no one understands your depth of grief.
Many of us hear “it’s just a pet”, either directly or in social attitudes towards our loss. Our culture prefers platitudes over space to just listen and accept grief. We have no idea how to behave around grieving people. A sizeable percentage of people either don’t understand how painful pet loss is, or have adopted the cultural approach of ignoring our loss. Our society gives bereavement allowances for immediate family members, but not for non-human family members. Somehow it has become an expectation that pet loss grief should be shorter, less painful, less debilitating. This tends to make us feel invalidated and unsupported in our grief.
4. It is not abnormal to struggle to find resources to manage our grief.
Grief is an unpopular feeling. Speaking of it openly, knowing how to cope healthily, and knowing what is available are unusual, regardless of what your grief stems from. There can be a degree of taboo to “needing help” to navigate the loss of a pet. There are even less resources accessible or socially acceptable for pet loss as there are for loss of human relationships. They exist, but they are less frequent, and less awareness exists around them.
5. It is not abnormal to feel like your grief is abnormal.
This stems back to our reluctance as a society to share and openly explore grief. The less we hear about others experiences, and the less support we feel around grief the more likely we are to feel isolated and abnormal in our experiences. The more we talk with others, the more we realize we are in good company with our experiences.
What would it do for your grief experience to feel like it is not abnormal? Consider joining our community- we have many resources available and coming soon to help you during this experience. Consider joining our study to assess some of these resources. You could aid fellow and up-coming grievers in providing the most helpful resources possible.